AWOL

I don't know why I continue to do this. My journal is the same way. I get the urge to write. Write. Get my thoughts out. When I am alone and I have to vent what do I do? Write. Just put myself out there spill it all. I feel better. Then....when I don't need to anymore I stop. For days weeks and sometimes months there is no trace of my life. Until once again the cycle repeats itself. I made it through the summer, and would like to say that I'm a different person. Stronger, more mature and independent, more deeply in love with God...but to be honest. I'm not sure that I am.I thought I was. Then I was pushed down on my backside. Dazed, confused, shocked...how did I get here? What did I do?? I thought I was living my life right, why do I feel so unsettled? Where is the peace? I'm not throwing my faith away. I'm not even tempted to. I just am disappointed in myself. I can do nothing good apart from Christ, and it seems I've got a little ways to go to be back in His will. He is gracious though, and slow to anger. Though if I were Him, I'd have had a few things to say to myself. Thankfully though, He is patient and loving and is continuing to guide my life.

Long Summer Ahead

I'm doing something new this summer. I'm living in Omaha. Well, not exactly Omaha, but Fort Calhoun. A small town about 20 miles north of Omaha. The reason I chose to do something different this summer was all wrapped around one person. My boyfriend. I looked for jobs and housing and tried to line it all up before I told him. Well, one day when it looked like it might not happen, I told him. He then quickly helped me to plan the next three months of my life.It was great. Everything went smoothly for the first couple of weeks. I got to go home and visit, start one of my jobs and hang out with my friends. Then it happened....we broke up. It wasn't a terrible break-up or anything. It was just one of those relationships where it wasn't going to work. However, I now, have pretty much no reason to stay in Omaha, save my job commitments. I've been lonely, and on my recent visit home, I wanted nothing more than to just stay home, where I belonged. Yet, through out this series of unfortunate events, I have been learning. I don't want to say that this is the place God wanted me, because I really don't know that He did. I was hasty in my decisions and did not seek His guidance in the situation. But He is using this time to teach me so much! I could never imagine how lonely or how much I relied on the company of my boyfriend. This is a good thing in most circumstances, but in mine it was not. I was too focused on my future, that I was not investing in my present. I see that now, even though it is too late, I can still continue on. Even though I'd rather be almost anywhere than here, I know that I can still learn from my situation and must continue on in the path I have chosen. But believe me, I'm so thinking twice before I make plans based on a young man again... ;)